Home Alone at the Holidays

This is my heartbreaking story about being home alone at the holidays the first year after being diagnosed. I think this story needs to be told, because the whole holiday thing can be super painful when you’re sick. People assume that everyone else is having a merry time, but it’s not always true. The truth is that many of us have felt the pain and isolation that goes with chronic illness. Go ahead and get your hankie out.

My sad story

I was diagnosed right after my divorce, and living on my own was not an option.

After losing Cobra, I feared being unable to get care.

Medical bills from uninsured hospital stays were piling up.

There were many phone calls looking for health insurance.

Social security kept denying my disability applications.

Every week there were tests, draining ascites, biopsy, or transfusions.

The grandkids and my only child were heartbroken and overwhelmed.

Did I tell you about my mom being put on hospice and dying in December?

My hepatic encephalopathy kept me in a fog.

The Liver Loving Diet Book was started with lists of recipes and shopping tips.

The holidays were difficult

My bestie from childhood lost her husband to cancer, and invited me to take her guest room. I felt like a burden to my kids, so I moved in with her; lock, stock, and barrel. We put up a tree, and had a lot of laughter in the the house. She kept me motivated and made sure I was able to make it to all of my doctor’s appointments, but she worked full time and had a lot of social events.

There were many days and nights that I was home alone. At the holidays, I couldn’t really eat the food, and honestly, didn’t have the energy to fake it all the time. Sure, there were family meals, but I really don’t remember much except wanting to stay home alone. At the holidays, there is this expectation of being merry and bright. Staying in bed seemed like a better option most of the time.

I withdrew from social media because it was too cheerful for me. A bathrobe or yoga pants were my uniform, except the few days a week when I worked part time. When people did come over, sometimes it felt better to stay in my room. One example of wanting to be home alone at the holidays is when friends dropped by and I hid in my bedroom with the dog. Since my car was in the driveway, I had to lie later, and give a vague excuse. The truth was, I didn’t trust myself to be good company.

I'm not afraid anymore

Just like Kevin in the "Home Alone" movie, some of us are afraid. Even though I still shooed people away to go be with their own families, even while I withdrew from mine. You’ve guessed the point by now: I survived being home alone during the holidays. It’s been almost a decade, and I’ve made it through so much. Looking back, I gained a lot by being alone. My body got the rest it needed. I learned to deal with the stress of chronic illness. Most of all, I found a deep inner strength that guided me through the hard times that were yet to come.