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The Fine Line 8: The Screen Was My Window.

The Fine Line is a series of stories from Rick. Check out parts1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7!

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In spite of the I-J line (a special type of IV), which contains, among its ports, access to draw blood, they still needed to test my peripherals for sepsis. Every four hours I would be poked and more blood was drawn. While this would make me tired, there was just enough pain to keep me awake. I would get lost in my phone trying desperately to reach out, to communicate and observe the world through the safety of the screen.

My mind was fascinated in the similar and more intense struggles of those who would fight for their lives and post their experience to the world on Instagram. It was truly inspiring, so I began to emulate it in my own way. Releasing what information I could type, and creating compilation photos. Because I didn’t want to waste people’s time with each photo. I felt embarrassed that I would “complain” about my state of being. When the reality couldn’t be farther from the truth. But at that time, each post was accompanied by tears that would fuel the words and hashtags.

Distracted by Pain

My mind was limited, I was so distracted by the pain, the dark future of imminent death, this was not how I wanted to leave this world, my friends, and family behind. I do not mean death just yet, but for someone with a near completely non-functioning liver, hospice for my last Christmas looked like a very real future. I focused on the few things I could look forward to – my friends and family who came to see me, who reached out to me, and my nursing staff who directly provide the daily support required for my living.

The nurse who would have me for several of her shifts was a ball of positive energy that would remind me of myself when I wasn’t as restricted by my health concerns. My CNAs were incredible, walking me through what would normally seem awkward, they assisted me in showering. something I normally could have done myself, but in my current state was so limited in movement that I required their assistance.

While I appeared to be getting healthier, my higher MELD score would soon bring me closer to a liver transplant. So, uncertainty was the reality I saw.

Check back for more from Rick’s series “The Fine Line”

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.