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I’m Not Crazy

Really, I’m not. I did live with the Hepatitis C Virus for years without knowing what was wrong with me. Many mornings, the fatigue left me hugging the sheets long after the day had begun. Any attempts to cheer me up usually created overwhelming feelings of guilt. I would defend myself by arguing that I was just tired. Some family members, and even my doctor decided that I was depressed or just went crazy. Heck yes I was depressed! You would be depressed too if a virus was attacking every cell in your body. But I was not crazy!

Many times it is hard to pinpoint the exact moment when you noticed that the depression had creeped in. If you are like me, it probably started with a lack of desire to get out and be with people. You did not feel chipper, so you felt like to had to put on a fake happy face. It was easier to stay home as much as possible. You might move from the bed long enough to get food and then head to the couch.

Your body feels like lead is flowing through your veins. That heaviness overtakes you until the smallest thing like lifting a glass to your mouth for a drink seems like a lot of work. Nothing sounds like fun. Even a meal out, a movie, or a shopping trip for the newest version of a grown up toy sounds boring. You’re just passing time.

You develop little work arounds to mask the symptoms so that you won’t look crazy. Drinking caffeine gives you the lift you need to get out the door. Eating a high carb sugary snack gets you through when you have to act like you care about getting something done. Listening to upbeat music can also stir up some good vibes so that your friends and loved ones get a little bit of conversation out of you. Filling up a shopping cart at favorite store even works until you get the stuff home and don’t have the energy to put it all up.

You may be thinking that by now I will be offering some solutions for dealing with depression from Hepatitis C. There are some for sure. But I think what we really need to know as fellow sufferers of this virus is that we are NOT crazy. The virus makes us sick. It robs our strength. It messes up our metabolism so that our food doesn’t even give us the energy we need in the right doses. It reduces our blood count and saps our vitality. It can do all of this for years and we don’t even know it is going on.

When ignored it changes every cell in our body and depletes it’s ability to function the way it was created to function. Deep inside, we feel crazy. We still have beautiful minds with hidden dreams and longings. Those of us who fought depression and are now cured of HCV know the truth. Those dreams are all within reach now. We can unlearn the tricks that we used for so many years and use our newfound passion to make up for lost time. In our right mind.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The HepatitisC.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

View Comments (6)
  • highmaintenance
    4 months ago

    Seems like we have had & share many of the same experiences Karen. While reading this article it seemed that I was reading my diary, ( I really don’t keep a diary,lol.
    Thank you so much for the time you’ve put into your HCV articles & sharing your experiences.
    Keep on Trucking

  • Karen Hoyt author
    4 months ago

    YOU are just what I needed today. I have some milk thistle growing at my place and it reminded me (everything does) that my life was forever changed by Hep C.
    You know where my heart is when I tell you that it’s good to not be alone in what we go through. Some days it’s not easy to write about it and put myself out there….. until I read from you – and yes – we’ll both keep on trucking.
    Thank you for commenting.. sincerely, thanks, xo Karen

  • Karen Hoyt author
    3 weeks ago

    You’re so welcome. I’m actually glad that somebody else gets it. Not that I want any one else to feel poorly, but to know we’re not alone is really powerful. xoxo xoxo Karen

  • Tonganoxiegal
    3 weeks ago

    Thank you! Wow, understanding!!!

  • Karen Hoyt author
    4 years ago

    Barry,
    You made me grin this morning. Thanks. I wrote that one a week or so after my transplant. Maybe I should write more now. Ha! I hope you have a super week and look forward to hearing more from you.
    We can never hear enough good words and I truly appreciate yours today.
    xo Karen:)

  • Transplanted moderator
    4 years ago

    You’ve got a gift of a writing style. I always look forward to your articles !

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