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Feeling Blue

Even having dealt with hepatitis C and liver disease now for 14 years, on some days, I find myself just feeling blue and sad. Recently, I was rushed to hospital for hepatic encephalopathy (HE), and it hit me hard. I realized that even though I am cured of my hep C, I still fight the symptoms of a bad liver and cirrhosis.

Wishing for normal

I have always been an upbeat girl. But this last week, I really struggled with depression and over-analyzing my life.  I began looking at other people around me when I was out in public. Seeing them run, throw footballs, wrestle and yes, even having a margarita during dinner. I found myself longing for the normal life again. Not being in pain or feeling so tired after only a half day… Wanting to get a full night’s sleep, not laying awake at 1am with insomnia.

“Why me?”

This thinking got me so sad that I spent a day crying and asking, “God, why me?”. I feel I have paid the price of hep C long enough. I began a slide down the slide of beating myself and my own worth up. I was angry; I was so mad that I wake up and must take medications, and then I go through my day and must take more. Then I must remember to take my night ones, or I will wake up in so much neuropathy pain that I end up in a hot bath at 3am trying to sooth the pain from my legs.

I lost the self-confidence in who Kim is. I then started on why I was not a good person to be with. I began to even think horrible things that my boyfriend would be better off with a healthier woman… Someone who did not depend on medication to survive her days. Someone that could go on and on in the day and not need a nap or rest. Someone who has not lost muscle tone in her body and looks amazing. It was truly a brutal week on my self-esteem.

Fighting back

As I sit here writing this, I am not fully back to a good mindset, but I am doing all I can to redirect those nasty thoughts of destruction of who Kim is. I do lots of meditations and self-care videos and do all I can to keep my focus positive and upbeat. But I am here to say that I am no superhero woman who is confident and secure in my own skin every day. I struggle just like you who are reading this. I hope by sharing my story, my insecurities, and my doubts that I can give you comfort knowing you are not alone. Sometimes, I get that negative feeling and although I do my best not to camp in this mindset, I do fall sometimes too.

That is when I lean on other stories and seek comfort, support, and understanding from those around me.  This is a situation you need help to get out of this funk. If you need to talk to your doctor about getting some sort of help temporarily, then we must do it.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The HepatitisC.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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